A Personal 21st Century La Villette ah Memories of Bruxelles la Morte

A personal and delicate posting from a 21st Century Bronte novel about a thinly disguised Brussels town being a place where hearts being broken are that city's strange life blood - Villette - or Bruxelles la Morte. This on remember Experiencing Belgium back in the day, once upon a time.
.....I like the sweet things you say about our quasi post- relationship family but mostly what I read makes the bottom of my already delicate and tender heart these days fall out and I cave into a painful form of sadness and despair: I cannot drive here anywhere in central Ohio without this happening to some degree and most people I see here know you and remember you and are curious to want to hear more about you. (to such a degree that I see that they would rather see you than me) - But I have very little information about you to give because I just don't know anything anymore. Then they see how that affects me and say that I must get to the point where you and I never happened and all of that is forgotten - then and only then I will be free to live my life again. But my answer to that is how do you throw 15 years - the best years - of your life away. Neither do I want to - nor do I intend to. Instead this sadness will eventually claim my life and that is really ok and perhaps as it should be. My sadness and disillusion will remain a cornerstone of your life post me - wether you choose to know it is entirely up to you - better you not think about it in the long the run. But it is a truth to our lives now.
My grandmother and grandfather talked about getting back together up until my grandfather died of a heart attack. Then my grandmother lived on in loneliness and despair for years and years after even after her sister and my mom and dad died - long after her second man committed suicide - she lived long so long after that always speaking of the man she loved whom she divorced, until her drawn out end. I will not repeat that history. Neither should you. I am not sure how but I will pack up this house and end this real estate game. I will move - because I cannot co-exist in this place with the ghosts of my family and now you and the dogs; my unique and bohemian chosen family haunting me and ripping my heart out daily and nightly.
I go to bed thinking about you - get up in the middle of the night groaning that you are still there back home tormenting me and wake up in the morning much the same way. I don't want to take on a new partner or lover to replace you and fill that void. I want to evolve into a sort of independence that doesn't need a replacement part in the form of another person whose problems I have to acquire to make my life work. I do not have poetic nostalgic palliatives for my shredded heart. And I have only myself and my depressive confused brain to blame. My heart will not mend - nor do I want it to. I want to live as the corpse I am - as a carcass - as an empty vessel until my time to go arrives. I wish that time were sooner rather than later. Last winter after the hospital I was the most suicidally minded that I have ever known. I do not want to go back to that place again.
It is my goal to leave this house and location before then. I still get bills left and right about that hospital stay that don't make sense to me in their logic or possibility and they eat away at my substantially above average credit rating because I don't know what to do with them or how to contest them. Without you I am a double amputee. Most of my life is spent stumbling around. I have considered marrying for convenience a decent Muslim woman who is modern enough to grasp my life up until now and who is still desiring like me to be not living alone. Umers ex, Kristoff, is doing this with much success - as are many metrosexualist post gay men in other places (with or without religious communities). It requires honesty and consolation and compromise but is a new trend in the rainbow movement going full circle.
Otherwise, one just gets stuck in the party boy who refuses, like peter pan to grow up and thus lives out their numbered days on crystal meth, coccain, weed, heroin and pharmaceutical sleeping pills all with the implications that go with being seropositive. It is a passive form of a cowards suicide.
Of course in the back of my mind I hear you calling me back to some modernist construct of a life and family in some as we used to call it "choose your own bohemian adventure" way. It is a dream like voice of a siren call - for the destruction of the lives of good hearted Sailors - for I see no truth in it. ...and I sincerely doubt it - though it feels very sweet in print to read - I find it is a phantom memory based on wishful thinking and not grounded on any reality at your end. Your emails suggest a glimpse of hope that make my heart leap back to life and make me ready to board a plane - but mostly that feels like a very small carrot at the very end of an incredibly long stick. In reality you are saddled with your new man and his friends in a world now extremely foreign and undefined, without room for me. I mostly try not to think about it or imagine it. What memories I have are a demonic persistance of memory day dream of people and places that once were. I go to bed either on the verge of crying or actually doing so - I wake up the same way - and mostly in the middle of the night the single bed is cold and empy and frightfully full of a gaggle of demons who harrass me about a long an remarkable and unique marriage that should be celebrated not forgotton - not buried in the back of some cemetery for broken marriages.
So I will either marry a woman - or find some way to carry out my life elsewhere without a partner of any sex. What I don't like about this place in my life now is that all I can see is that I am at variable 'Y' location, and 'Z', being death and the end is next - it is just not clear when I look to the distant horizon how far Z is. And how do I sustain myself and provide for myself until then in dignity and hope and accomplishment. Mostly at this point there is only religion to occupy my mind. I have nothing else at present - and ironically I am trying to steer clear of religion and now that I can and want to, there really is no point in doing so or not doing so. Until Z there is just whatever busy work I choose to apply myself to. I feel like an old man sitting on the beach in God's Waiting room in Florida on its Gulf side West coast - watching the sun set once again and once again waiting for my time to come.
The promise of death is what is next. I want to go running towards it and embrace it. I have done all I have come here to do. Rumi has the best esoteric explanations for all this - which is why it is no surprise that organized Islam doesn't approve of him or his writing.
"...I don't know who brought me here to this place and left me nor do I know when they are coming for me..." - To loosely quote Coleman Barks translations of the Sufi philosophical master Rumi from the book no library should be without - The Essential Rumi.
Books quoted in this essay posting.
If you don't know them "you can Google it" to quote the Vampiric character Edward Cullins from Stephenie Meyers "Twilight" and movie books.
"Villette" by Charlotte Bronte
"Bruges La Morte" by Georges Rodenbach
"The Essential Rumi" by Coleman Barks

In Times Of Hope During the Great Depression of 09

...Freedom and Liberty aren't even good pet dog names anymore...

Meanwhile back in Ghettoville...

Corporations that were born and breed and grew up in the great USA who then went on to become Global-Multi-National-Corporations need to start cultivating an ethical conscience is what I am thinking today - I am demanding that these Corporations - (you know who you are and the investors tied into them) - need to ask what John F Kennedy asked of we the people: Ask not what your country can do for you but what you can do for your country.

Now that we live with Hope for the first time in ages none of we the people are in a situation to offer our country anything - we have been mercilessly preyed upon by cold hearted Vampiric Corporations and our material lives have been reduced to tatters and carcasses. The we the people out there have been reduced to blood drained corpses of relentlessly greedy capitalist corporate vampires. Oil companies, Pharmaceuticals, Healthcare Industrialists, Food conglomerates, to name a few - and my favorite -Transportation thugs who desecrated public transport in the mid 20th centuries to make everyone here in the US dependent on the automobile...

If we the people are going to have Hope in ourselves and our President and our possibilities to regain our unique and potent American optimism - then the Corporations of Control who have reduced the American Dream to an unending and depressing Nightmare are going to have to start giving back to the Nation.

We must end Corporate Welfare.

We the people cannot help Wall Street us in Ghettoville or the Big Three Automakers anymore. If we do help then we must as a Nation get something in return from our taxes - including National and globally enviable Healthcare. No corporate welfare for the auto-industry unles their rescue package is built on rebuilding National Railways, trams, metro's, buses to bicycle lanes to connect Airports and Urban centers to suburban housing communities.

We the people must say "No bailing out Wall Street" who has advocated merciless Capitalist greed at the expense of a Government and a Nation for we the people unless Wall Street gives back to Ghettoville the Nation the economic blood it drained from our very lives.

And bourgiouse Al Gore can just get off his high horse of privilege and self righteousness. I will never forgive Al Gore for conceeding Bush II the election in '00 without a fight or without balls. For Al Gore to be the environmental consciousness of 21st century public life is sick. Here is a privileged sort who though he is actually telling it like it is - for him all his remedies are luxury problems that people in his economic class can pick and choose what to do with to make themselves look good. Unfortunately Al Gore's ilk will choose and dictate what we the little people of America get inconvenienced with for the sake of our Grandchildrens world.

There really has to be a better way to reign in Americas Corporate offspring and get them to work at building up Obama's Hope because we the people have already been worked to death, without healthcare, without holiday time to work at volunteering to work at the chance for Hope we have at this precarious and precious moment in American History.

We the people need a lot less work and a lot more rest from the merciless and Apocalyptic Beast of Capitalism that this once great Nation gave birth to.

The Hope that we the people have at this moment will be devored by these beasts of Capitalism if we don't build a strong enough government to balance merciless and unethical corporate greed. Knowing that makes Hope very difficult. I am cautiously optimistic and suddenly sentimental about this land and remarkable leader.

These un-co-operative Republicans who have been bought and paid for by the Corporate-0-cracy can just go down the same economic tubes that we the people went down over all the decades since Reaganism.

Put that in your Capitalist contraband black market Pipe and smoke and let it show up in your jobs urinalysis and get you fucking fired!

At 50 Is Cuba Showing Her Age?

The headline within my Gmail - email program read "At 50 Cuba is showing its age"...
The thing is how do you agree when your vantage point to that headline is G-ville, Ohio in the last dark days of the Bush II Era. With every governmental institution in these United States in a bankrupt crisis mode, Cuba is looking like a ravishing debutante compared to this two centuries plus aging free market economic government over here.
At least Cuba has a bed in a hospital for anyone in Cuba who needs one - And if Cuba doesn't have the medicine for her patients then we know George Bush's Uncle Sam is to blame because of that idiotic embargo. But try getting a hospital bed if you are sick in the US and you don't have health care - try getting your prescription drugs for that matter. Dentures? Optical care? Financial assistance or just plain guidance. How about housing... Cuba has housing - does it have a homeless problem? Is Cuba rife with vacant boarded up dilapidated house while people in poverty have to make due on the street? In the cold and damp of winter?
Technically I am not a Communist - but that is only because I have zero idea on how to convert. Is there really such thing as the American Communist Party? If so, how do I join? I would proudly be a card carrying member of the American Communist Party! I would go one better I'd put ACP bumper stickers on the back of my car if only I could find their central Ohio head quarters and pick up some artistic Communistic propaganda.
Right now Castro's Communist Experiment 90 miles south of Key West is looking mighty inviting. Will Cuba accept citizens from the United States who on make shift rafts try to sail from Key West in search of a better Island life? Compared to the United States Capitalist Experiment I am ready to convert to Cubanism! God Bless Castro - at least Cuba's government isn't run by a throne that will only hold someone for a few years at a time before ejecting them out Jack-in-the-Box style. At least the Cuban government during decades long economic crisis caused not by Communism but by the United States Government that affected the Cuban masses - well Cuba isn't trying to bail out the economic henchmen who caused the catastrophe in the first place - like we here in the US are.
At least the Cubans aren't - while their people are sick and without health care - homeless without a housing program - stuck in traffic without a viable public transit system - I mean when all of that is going down the tubes in the US - at the least the Cuban government isn't trying to save the Capitalist henchmen who are profiteering off corporate greed. I mean how shameless is it that the media here is obsessed and I mean obsessed by bailing out the Big Three Automakers and Wall Street while Ghettoville, America is dealing with foreclosures, health crisis, food shortages in their home...
In the United States here in Ghettoville, America we are in a Depression - say it - D_E_P_R_E_S_S_I_O_N - say it! Say it again. DEPRESSION! We here in the land of the free are in a DEPRESSION - say it I say. And though Israel is bombing what is left of Palestine to smithereens and back the media in the US is focusing on other "issues"... Not on the Depression - not on the housing crisis, not on the health care crisis, not on the fact that food is fast becoming unaffordable.... The media won't say this is a Depression even though Ghettoville has been in a Depression since before the Clinton Administrations. The US media will not adequately or accurately (especially the New York Times) report on the plight of Palestinians trapped by Israel's shoddy final solution.
God Bless Cuba and may the United States look south for some solutions to our own problems in 2009 without self righteous hypocrisy.
Way to go George Fucking "W" Bush and your Dick Cheney before he dicks you George Bush I administration for turning me and all of Ghettoville, America into Kalashnikov carrying, goose stepping, American Communist Party members - That was really Republican fucking brilliant conservative economic strategic of you all. Now GET GW BUSH II THE FUCK OUT OF DC - We The Communist Peoples of America cannot wait until One Twenty Oh Nine.

Universal Health Care?

So here is your G-Ville author at his blogette command center. MoveOn dot Org is calling for photo submissions with a placard with your personal Barack Era Issue. I don't have a printer so this is my mode du jour to MoveOn's request. The thing I don't know about Universal Health care - or - Galactic Health care much less Planetary Health care. How about National Health care? ...maybe Capitalism is the disease. Health care for the United States hmmm ...it's long overdue and I'm tired of all the greed based excuses. Health care pinned to employment is just plain wrong as is Health care based on Nationality. Health care doesn't make economic sense period. That said this nations doctors have become complicit with the morality and ethics of this country's greed based Lawyers and Law Firms. Shame on US.

Dreaming Of A Warm January Day in '09 Round about the Twentieth

From here in G-ville I sit writing with cold hands and feet. I'm remembering a classic nineteen eighties song titled "Life in a Northern Town" by the Dream Academy. One line from the lyrics goes "...In winter 1963, it felt like the world would freeze, with John F. Kennedy and the Beatles..." Back then over there in those Isles off of Europe that was a year with a real harsh and snowy winter. The Kennedy assassination played out that gruesome November and the Beatles began that long and winding road to bore us. But here now in these post - Twentieth Century times in G-ville I'm dreaming of the Bush II family and administration loosing their jobs ahead of schedule and getting evicted because of a faulty mortgage on 1600 Pennsylvania Avenue. At least that would all be way more relevant to the realities of most voters.

Perhaps on 01/20/09 the White House can appear a bit different - Instead of a radical paint job in some fab color how about that infamous White House being bathed along with Capitol Hill - another White building - or another historically Whites only building... How about on this day which I am dreaming of from here in G-ville - those buildings are bathed in a color of lights. Like those old aluminum Xmas trees that had a color wheel spot light shown on them from across the floor - that color wheel spotlight would change the color of the aluminum silver foil tree to green, then pink, then gold, then blue on a slow glittering rotation. At least for Barack's first day can the White House not be only white? Or probably regrettably it will be some laser light cosmic electronic showdown in every color of the rainbow done way over the top. Maybe I am just nostalgic but a few strings of C-9 light bulbs of various colors would be a treat. OK, whatever, but as long as the White House's white facade becomes at the least a blank canvass for some illuminating electronic color. I guess calling it the Rainbow House is a bit much.... Likewise it probably won't be lit up in pink or rose colored lights for all those little pink houses in the American collective dreams but maybe it should. How about Turqoise Blue and Turqoise Green from those enameled American C-9 light bulbs which is at least how they appear radiant once the electric is switched on...

It's just a thought. A cold dream from a depressing G-ville Monday afternoon. A spot light on an architectural building of and for the people for once seen and depicted in some other color and colors. But do we really have to wait until late January 2009? Can't the Bush II regime be packed up and shooed back to Texas early in advance and in time for an Obama Xmas Special? Can't we just give over the keys to 1600 Pennsylvania Ave early for Barack Obama and the new fab First Lady and First Family to be at home for Christmas in the white house under the lights of many colors.

If we can't fire the redundant Bush II administration - can't we just shoo them on their greedy way and out of our "we the Peoples" way to stop this winter of misery now ahead of schedule. God knows the Bush II administration deserved to be fired and do not deserve to go down in a white washed history. They're not going to be hung on some yellow ribboned Oak tree with some good Kentucky hemp rope for crimes against humanity so can't they just be sent back to some of their many other homes and ejected from our job and home of Democracy ahead of schedule and in some indirect historical shame they deserve?

Cold December 08 Ohio Facts Dreaming of an American Communist Party Summer To Rescue Us

It's not like I am uniformed of the Socialist and Communist drawbacks - it is just in these present economic dark ages - in this cold and cold hearted winter - with the infrastructure of this dilapitated state of Ohio falling to bits around us - it is just - things got bad enough here that a Communist and/or Socialist solution would at this point in the social malaise and suffering be a step up into better times for many people trapped under the mess of wealthier peoples greed. And to think most wealthier Americans consider themselves Christian but see no need for Christian charity on a personal or state level despite the undeniable need of large portions of the population. Christian self righteousness when comfortable tends to blame those burnt by Capitalisms crushing blows from the consequences of personal greed. God Bless America. Yeah, Right. Way to go Ohio...... So goes Ohio so goes the nation. Well for alot of Ohioans we are at the bottom of a forgotten and frozen over toilet bowl.

A Motorola self portrait of yours truely from a 21st century entry into the forgotten poor little richards almanack....

Matt Matthew Mathieu Mustafa Moustapha Krautsch Crouch

Just call me Comrad or Mustafa please.

Eagarly awaiting the coming Revolution of Everyday Life.

Pictures Of The Day From Here In Ghettovillle Dreaming Of The American Communist Party Rescuing Us From These Cold Hearted Economic Times

Just another view from what should be a nature preserve called the Linden Air Woods. If the economy bounces back this inadvertent nature preserve will become another paved over parkinglot for cars and ticky tacky American houses...
The Linden Air Meadow that connects up to the ravines and streams that find their way to the Alum Creek waterway.













Farewell Angel - cast off sent to the pound because her owners couldn't afford dog food. The sign of the times are the discarded pets people are shedding themselves of in their personal economic turnmoil. Shame on you and your do nothing Bush II era Administration - at least set up a fun for all these mis-fit toys and people would you BEFORE One Twenty Oh Nine. Angel you are missed - sniff... I don't want to think about her being put down. She is/was a good if not neglected dog. At least in the mean time she is warm which is more than I can say for myself.

Where is the pound for people with no where to go in this climate?